There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

Relationships with children who have passed into adolescence become unpredictable, like running through a minefield. Teens and parents - the eternal confrontation. Some insist on their right to patronize and direct, the second - desperately protect their right to freedom and their own decisions, although they will have nothing to do with these decisions.

There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager - image №1Writer and journalist Ksenia Buksha tells how to find a common language with a teenager. The problem is that adolescents are no longer children, but not quite adults yet. They cannot be controlled from the position of an all-knowing adult, but one should not expect full awareness and responsibility for one's choice either. What should parents do with those whom it is impossible to force, there is nothing to punish and it is unrealistic to re-direct?

Strategy 1.Make and ban

In fact, we still have this tool. Only it will have to be used not voluntarily, which means that the price may be spoiled for life child-parent relationship.

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We apply prohibitions only when it is a disaster. Drugs, anorexia, talk about suicide, banditry, involvement in the sect - grab and pull away from the edge.
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We are adults, and we can still do anything with a teenager, even to give to a monastery school, like my friend dad, a drug addict daughter. She sat there for six years and went out at twenty, when all her friends and girlfriends had already died. I don’t want that father to judge, praise, nor somehow evaluate, and certainly I don’t want anyone to follow his example. Just trying to show the scale of the problems in which it makes sense to act in this way.

But smaller accident like "dropped out of school", "having sex before marriage" - are we ready to pay for this relationship with the child? "Lying all day with the phone" - and for that? Rather no than yes, but what if he has a serious depression? Before wielding with an iron hand, we must also understand where we are going to drag.

Strategy2. Make a contract

In a written form. And hang on the wall. The contract can make tolerable sharing with an expansive (from the word expansion) young creature.

Parents and children have rights and responsibilities. The parent has the right to sit in the morning on a clean toilet. The child has the right not to answer SMS, but he is obliged to make calls. Or vice versa.

Any item left outside the room is sent to the trash. For dirty marks on the ceiling - self whitewash thereof. Anything, the main thing, realistic points for your family and their joint discussion.

Most adolescents already know how to somehow control impulses, which means they will follow these points. The contract is good because there is no point in sorting out relations with parents upon the occurrence of sanctions: everything is fair, candy wrappers and skins should be removed from the bathroom without sound, and in his room they can rot even forever.

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Important: the contract is not an attempt to achieve the desired “course of his life” from a teenager; it is not a motivator. This is just a means to clearly separate the boundaries. Therefore, it is not necessary to make items like “computer time, no more than two hours a day” and other things that the parent does not personally touch. A contract is a division of rights and obligations, territory and resources.

Read also:13 questions about sex that our children are afraid to ask us, but we must answer them

Strategy3. Give independence

If you want to find a common language with a teenager - let him defeat himself in at least something. Raise paws up and hand the right to decide for yourself. We can’t put you to bed if you don’t lay down yourself, and we can’t make you wear a hat if you think it’s not cold. And you can only draw a “decent gymnasium” by yourself. And if you do not pull, then you have to leave it.

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We can think for a long time before letting go of something, and we can take rights back if we see that things are heading towards some kind of total collapse.
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I thought that you could do it, but you went to bed all week at six in the morning and did not study at all - this means that I will have to lay down and wake you for another few months.

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But we are not disappointed, but we are constantly testing the reality - maybe it is already ready? I slept on Tuesday and Wednesday, but on Thursday I got together on time - aha! Such scales are obtained: here while we are stronger, and here it is already, and here again while we are.

Strategy4. Discuss plans

Years 15-16 should be given to an older teenager to understand what level of support is waiting for him after 18, and where we will begin to insure his risks.

It should be very clear: for example, "we will always pour you a bowl of soup and you can live with us, nothing more, but you can count on it." Or "you are responsible for your studies yourself, we will not dismiss you from the army if you do not enter." Or "until the sixth year you can not worry about anything." Or "we will otmazhim from the army, but we will force to go to work and contribute to the family budget."

These are completely different programs of action for teenagers and parents.

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A person must somehow plan their future! And then you live on everything like it seems, but somehow it is unclear: am I already an adult or someone else? And when I become an adult, then what? And when? And if I do not, then who is to blame?

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If you clearly discuss all these things together, talk about specific plans for the future and how to achieve them - a direct close motivation can be born. Only plans for teenagers and parents should be together. We do not “put a teenager on notice that after 18 he is swept out of our living space” and are not trying to “give him a good education.” Only together. Games to test? Pathologist? Or so far-but-I-love-you-mommy? Thanks me too. Highly.

Strategy5. Turn off

Well, these are all pathos and common words, but what to do every day? How to find a common language with her daughter as a teenager who does not want to go to the store instead of her mother, who has other troubles?

how to find a common language with a teenager, how to find a common language with a teenager daughter, how to find a common language with a teenager’s son, relationships with parents, children’s parental relationships, relationships with children, adolescence, teenagers and parents

Every day our main tool is to shut down. There are such heaters: they will heat the air to the specified temperature - once, they turned off, they stand like good children and cool down. The parent of the teenager needs to be able too.


The child violated all the rules, violently resists, wants nothing, or, on the contrary, wants the wrong thing, and we do not have enough strength to convince him? Let us ask ourselves if anyone will die, God forbid if we turn off right now. If the question is not fatal at the moment, feel free to switch to the “off” mode.

This means that we continue to be present, but we cease to conflict. Peacefully drink tea in the kitchen. We do only what we want now. If the child is difficult and problematic, it is a good prevention of code addiction. The main difficulty is to turn off all common and pretentious thoughts like "what will grow out of it". Now we are not interested in this, but quietly live an hour.

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It is more useful for a teenager to see not a strict parent, but a person who knows that he is right, but refuses to fight. Which as if silently says: “your move”, “you yourself know what to do”. And, importantly, gives to do wrong.
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My daughter didn’t go to the store that day, she didn’t feel very good about it, and next time she might not even have to ask for it.
Turning off, we give ourselves a rest and give life to work for us, instead of our educational squeals.

Read also:“What is sex?” And “How to confess to a deuce?”: With what questions our children call the children's Phone of Trust

Strategy6. Turn on

Well, if we are able to turn off, then we also need to turn on correctly. Many of us know how to genuinely be interested in any interlocutor - well, such a secular skill. Want to find a common language with a teenager? Every day, set yourself up for friendly chatter, which includes your independent replicas, listening to the interlocutor, and feedback.
Choose an interesting topic to the interlocutor (not about the school). Turn on, smile, nod, listen. Mentally horrified, but do not evaluate and do not abuse. Such a conversation is always effective, even in times of conflict! Relations with children almost immediately go to another quality level, and many topics can be forgotten forever - they will be prevented and prevented at long-distance approaches.
And some of them with teenagers in five words will not talk a day, and even those “put the phone down, go learn the lessons.” What instruments of influence in such conditions can we talk about?

Strategy7. Surprise

By adolescence, our children know us very well, and our reactions are habitual and predictable for them. For example, “my ancestor doesn’t scold for assessments, but if I’m srach in a car, I’ll have a brain all the way”.
Well, that's surprised. Monday: “Well done! If it were not for you, I would have already gone astray on cleanliness! ”- and we go quietly. Tuesday: without words we hand a rag and a garbage bag. Wednesday: “oh no, I can't mess with that, you take the subway, meet at the house.” Think up yourself four more different reactions until Sunday.
Essence is not important, range is important. Affectionate joke, poignant irony, inspired rut, absurd absurdity, sometimes sarcasm, and sometimes little by little and affection, as with a baby.

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A teenager is after all a kind of baby-adult, newborn full member of society. He is born in adults, and in this capacity he deserves (occasionally and to the best) restrained uch-ausias — only cautiously.

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To surprise again and again, to be a different person, and not just the “parent” function, to show how interesting it is to really communicate, to look for ways and approaches to each other, to be alive.Maybe the stumps in the car will not be less, but is it the matter? But all the participants in the conversation will develop this one, as his - yes, yes! - emotional intelligence. Which can be considered, if there is - then this is half the happiness.

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  • There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager

    There is a contact: 7 strategies, how not to destroy the child-parent relationship and find a common language with a teenager